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Ten other useful things Microsoft could patent

Adamson Rust over Rockall @ The Inquirer writes, We feel that Microsoft hasn't yet gone far enough in its bid to snap up patents for all and everything, and as the US authorities appear willing to grant patents for practically everything, here's 10 other things the Vole might consider adding to its IP portfolio:

1. Wood. A type of wood sold in France used to be branded Unix. Say no more.
   
2. Wool. Always useful for pulling over someone's eyes, wool is an innovative substance that could be used to cover up all sorts of subterfuges.
   
3. Surround no sound earplugs. Already in wide use within 500 yards of Steve Ballmer's office, these devices can cut out all manner of annoying noises, such as customers and journalists complaining about your products.
   
4. Double eye patches. Microsoft has prior art in the form of patches for its software. Double eye patches will allow Windows users to ignore those irritating and incomprehensible messages generated by some operating systems. Blinkers are also useful for every marketing executive.
   
5. Vole warmers. Trained properly, Voles can do all sort of useful things around the desktop, including keeping your mice in order. Your Vole deserves a SmartCoat to keep it both informed and warm in the chilly Seattle winters!
   
6. iGramophone. This useful innovation allows you to play your 78RPM records but at 78,000RPM and one minute mean time before failure.
   
7. Hard drives. As possession is nine tenths of the law, and as Windows XP possesses nine tenths of your hard drive, therefore Microsoft has every right to patent this useful storage format.
   
8. IT rags and online magazines. Everyone knows that pixels are often generated thanks to the awesome power of Microsoft architecture. Enough said.
   
9. Letters of the alphabet. Apart from the letter "i", which has already been trademarked by the Intel Corporation.
   
10. Everything else. As Windows is everywhere, by extension Microsoft is everywhere, and therefore everywhere belongs to Microsoft.